Where is my worth?

This past weekend, Cailah and I were blessed to spend our first weekend at the beach. I’ll write more about our time later, but first I want to share with you what God has been teaching me. One of the hardest things for me during these past few month in Costa Rica, has been the lack a clear role or job description. I knew there would be period of transition when I first arrived. I also knew we are starting up a new base, so we don’t have clearly defined positions of responsibilities. Coming into it, I thought I was totally prepared for this; it was going to be an adventure. Well, the adventure has turned out to be a little slower paced than I expected. I thought by now I would have kids who I am working with on a daily basis, friends in the community, a sense of purpose. I have found myself frequently frustrated and even sometimes questioning why God has called me here. But this weekend, God really showed me my heart, and how it wasn’t at all lining up with His. I am a “doer”, I like to have an impact, I want to see a job well done. This is all fine and good, until I start viewing my actions and my accomplishments as what define me, instead of allowing my relationship with Christ to be the most important defining aspect of my life. I want people to see the good things I am doing because it makes me feel valuable. If I don’t have anything tangible in terms of good works, to show for the several months I’ve been here, how am I to be validated? But I am looking to the wrong place for validation. Christ alone is the one who can determine my worth and affirm me, no matter what the circumstances are. I began reading a small book this weekend, Out of Solitude, by Henri Nouwen. He relates to our lives the passage in Mark 1:32-39, where Jesus gets up early, and goes to a lonely place to pray. He discussed the necessity for us to get away from all of the things we “need to do for Jesus”, in order to spend time with Him, and allow Him to affirm us. I know this is not a new concept. It is something I have struggled with these last few months, as I’ve been stripped of all the things that have previously defined me: family, friends, students, culture, and community.

"In solitude we become aware that our worth is not the same as our usefulness.... In solitude we can grow freely without being preoccupied with our usefulness and we can offer a service which we had not planned on. To the degree that we have lost our dependencies on this world, whatever world means-- father, mother, children, career, success or rewards-- we can form a community of faith in which there is little to defend but much to share" ~ Henri Nouwen

I know this weekend, was not a quick fix. I know I will continue to struggle as we keep praying about where it is God wants us to be. In those moments though, I hope I will quickly remember that I am child of God. He defines me, not my good deeds or usefulness.